I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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