Who wears a wallet chain?!
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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