I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
