Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
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