I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
