Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
