I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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