You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
