i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
