i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
