Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
