If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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