I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
