dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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