I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
