a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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