I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
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