There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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