you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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