i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
