So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
