Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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