Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
