Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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