me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
