I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
The uberlube is also flammable
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
