she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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