your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
