you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
