i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
