nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
