Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
