I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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