Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
