i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
me + whiskey = a bad person
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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