I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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