DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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