with your own penis?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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