Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
