He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
