I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
