I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
