so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
