Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
