Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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