So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize