proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
