I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You ruined the universe
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
