The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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