my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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