Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
