Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
