I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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