I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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